[FGC#6] Adonai Construction Inc

Genre: Comedy
Word limit: 1500
Word count: 1225

1 What the hell was that Big Bang? Gabe, did you just trip over something? Well great, thanks a bunch, you’ve broken it now. I’ve got heavens and earth all over the place here. 2 Used to be really nice and now it’s just a formless lump. Hmmm, could do with something… Hey guys, what do you think about the earth? Empty, yeah? Guys? Well what do you mean you can’t see it? Stop pissing about over the waters and take a look. Too dark? Fine.

3 Lights! Can you hit the lights please? Idiots, I have to do everything around here, not even got the sense to turn a light on… 4 Boom, there you go, light. Good isn’t it? Guys? Can you put the darkness down over there, we’re dealing with light. Thank you. 5 OK, this? This is what we call day. Over there, that darkness? Night. Now since this is your first day on the job we’ll call time. Get some rest, we’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.

6 Welcome back guys, bit of heavy lifting today, 7 we need to take half that water and put it up there, keep half of it down here, and 8 install some of that “sky” stuff we talked about at the planning meeting. Yes, I appreciate it’s a big job Gabe. No, you do not have a bad back Gabe. Look, just get on with it. Then we’re done for the day.

9 Good morning gentlemen. Bit of a hitch in the plans. Remember all the water? Yeah, could you gather it up again, we need a few dry spots for work today. Thanks guys. 10 Oh, and marketing have asked that since we’ve separated the waters, the stuff down here needs its own brand identity. They’re floating the brandname “seas”. And someone suggested “land” for the bits we’re clearing. If there are no other suggestions… Yes Gabe? Shut up Gabe. If there are no other sensible suggestions, then those are all good.

11 Right, get the gardeners in, I want to see vegetation here: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds. Yes Gabe? According to the various kinds we agreed in the meeting. The meeting we had last week? The one you obviously slept through. Just shut up Gabe. 12 How’s production going guys? Everything producing? Seeds? According to their kinds? Awesome. 13 That’s hometime I think.

14 Gabe, can I talk to you for a moment, just before we start today. The schedule we agreed on. What’s wrong with it. Take your time, have a read. See a problem with it? No? It’s not what I asked you for. No Gabe it isn’t. How do I know? Because I’m not an idiot Gabe. We’re doing the electrics today. Today Gabe. After all the water’s been spread around. Do you work hard to be this stupid? Just get out of my sight before I tear you a new halo. And pray to me no-one gets electrocuted.

Right, everyone? Get those lights installed. There should be daylights and nightlights in different boxes, we’ll use them to mark sacred times, and days and years, since clearly Gabe’s schedules can’t be trusted.

15 Mike, those two big ones are for the earth. 16 The greater one should come on during the day, the lesser for night. Don’t get them mixed up please. 17 The tiny ones, you can just scatter them randomly in the sky. No, no pattern. Only a me-damn fool is going to spot patterns in them. 18 Light and dark getting governed on the earth? Good. 19 That’s time gentlemen.

20 Gabe. A word. I’ve had a look at the schedule Gabe. Are you trying to be funny? We’ve got two days left on this project and you’ve put “create all life” right at the end. Right at the end Gabe!. Do you want to get fired? 21 Do you know how many living things the sea is meant to teem with? And that’s before we get onto the birds of the sky! No it isn’t going to be good Gabe. I’m going to have to cancel the Phoenix and the Leviathan now, just to find time for the others!

22 Mike, take Gabe and get him started on phytoplankton. That’ll teach him a lesson. Seraphim, get over here. Gabe’s cocked up the schedule, so any ideas how we populate the earth and skies? I simply don’t have time. Evolution Azrael, are you having a laugh? We’ve got six days, not billions of years. Any other ideas? Sexual reproduction? I thought we rejected that at planning as too messy? Fine, whatever. So long as it works, what do I care, it’s not like anyone’s going to argue about how we did it. 23 Just get it sorted, it’s past hometime now. We’ll reconvene tomorrow.

24 Land animals today, each according to their kind. The seraphim have the basic design, and we’re letting sex handle population logistics. No Gabe, we’ll limit them to reproducing according to their kind. Sicko. 25 All made according to their kinds? Good. Now I just need to figure out what to call everything. I notice you didn’t put any time down in the schedule for that did you Gabe. A sub-contractor? That’s the first good idea you’ve had all week Gabe.

26 Guys, we need a sub-contractor. Something in our image to rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. And most importantly to name all the little buggers. Mankind will do.

27 Mike, let me ask you something. Male and female for mankind. Is it a good idea to let sex apply to them? I’m worried they’ll overrun the place. I mean, I know I need a lot of them to handle the naming. I’ve given them dominion over every living creature that moves on the ground, and wait until you see how many beetles I’m planning, they’ll be naming them for millennia! I’ve got a bad feeling about what might happen if they’re left to their own devices. I’ll have a word.

28 OK, mankind? I need you to be fruitful and multiply. You’ve got a lot of naming to get on with, look after the land, the fish, the birds, the living creatures.

29 If you get hungry, there are fruits and seeds and herbs. Try the pineapple, it’s delicious. Do not eat the animals please. I don’t care how tasty pig is, you can’t have any. The fruits and nuts are sustainable. Stick to them and everyone should get on fine. 30 Same goes for the animals, don’t let them eat each other. Oh, and if a guy turns up to chat with you—horns, beard, cloven hooves, you’ll know him when you see him—ignore him. We fired his ass ages ago, he’s trying to sabotage the project. If you see him, give me a call.

31 OK, I think that’s everything. Time to clock off guys. Gabe, I’m putting you in charge here, OK? What? Well, since it is a day of rest… yeah, I guess you can have double time. Just try not to screw this one up, for me? I really don’t want to have to flood everything like last time.

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8 thoughts on “[FGC#6] Adonai Construction Inc”

  1. Brilliant! xD When I realised what it was, and with my horrible bible knowledge, I had to google a reference just to remember what he did in what numbers. That aside, a brilliant comedy, I really enjoyed it! You’re great at writing it, had me laughing all through. I feel sorry for Gabe though 😛

    P.S. for anyone as bad at knowing the bible as me, use this resource <a href="http://www.bibleontheweb.com/Bible.asp&quot; title="Bible On The Web".

  2. What! What a hysterical piece! This was truly excellent!

    Your from absolutely supported the comedic genius here – backed by perfect word choice, i.e. “I’ve got heavens and earth all over the place” – “doing the electric” – “me-damn fool” – “[sex is] too messy” – “its not like anyone’s going to argue about how we did it” ((TOO FUNNY!)) – “i don’t care how tasty the pig is.”

    Some other moments of genius I highly enjoyed:
    the marketing and brand identify of the sea
    all of Gabe… how do I love his bad back, generally surliness, and his unexpectedly great idea at the end!
    evolution / creation debate!
    patterns in the stars are for fools
    canceling the phoenix and the leviathan
    subcontractors = humans. Heart!

    I could go on and on! Truly an enjoyable read!!

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