Here comes Jakey Claus!

In the West of Scotland at this time of year, boys and girls await the arrival of a bearded, mischievous imp who visits in the dead of night, bearing gifts.

You’ll know him by his faded, slightly browny-red outfit, the stale smell of pish and tobacco, and his long beard, which was once white but is now yellowed and matted with lumps of vomit. On Christmas Eve, when children are tucked up in bed (or drinking on street corners), if you listen carefully you can hear Jakey Claus clattering about on the rooftops, cursing under his breath as he tries to find a chimney to climb down.

Most years you can hear the feral reindeer that pull his sleigh–Fannybaws, Cuntybaws, Bawbag, Bampot, Glaikit, Eejit, Hingy and Thingy–along with Rudolph (red-nosed due to excessive alcoholism), but this year Santa already has 152 points on his license for driving over the limit, and his sleigh was clamped by the polis.

Jakey Claus, when he eventually comes into your house, brings presents. If you have been a good boy or girl then Jakey Claus will leave a half-empty bottle of Buckfast in your tree. If you have been bad, then he’ll leave a puddle of vomit at the base of the tree. To be honest, he might just do that anyway. Either way, Jakey Claus will rifle through your stockings and take a few items for himself.

Many people leave treats out for Jakey Claus. Traditionally this includes a bottle of the cheapest whisky you can find, some fritters, a can of Irn-Bru, or a Munchy Box. However, you can leave out a glass of warm milk if you prefer. Just make sure to top it up with methylated spirits..

So best to behave yourself, since you don’t want to get on Jakey Claus’ bad side. “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” That’s not a jolly song, that’s a threat.

So have a very Merry Christmas pal

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