Fiction Friday – 27 March 2009 Product recall

This Week’s Theme: Setting: An office building – A secondary character says: “Look, somebody has got to make a decision.” Your main character offers a solution.

“I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job…”

“You are, you bloody are. Look, there’s nothing wrong with the toy, the toy is flawless. The toy is a frikkin’ work of genius.”

The vice president of marketing for Funco Toy Corp glanced down at the piles of complaint letters on her desk. Key phrases leapt out at her, and she shuddered. How in the hell had they let this leave the factory and hit the toy stores?

“Karl, in ten years with this company, I have never seen so many complaints about any toy. I mean…” she picked up the top few sheets. “Complaints. Two class action lawsuits. Police reports. A Federal summons to testify before Congress. Congress Karl. How do we manage to ship a toy that gets us hauled up in front of the Senate?”

Karl rolled his eyes. “Oh don’t exaggerate Sandra, so some soccer moms got a little prissy and kicked up a stink…”

“Prissy? Prissy??? I think 17 deaths and 159 injuries is a little more than being prissy!”

“Obviously these kids weren’t using the toy properly.”

The VP slammed her fist down on the table. “The toys stabbed them!”

“Well it is called Mr Stabby!” He pointed to the flow chart on the wall. “Mr Stabby, the Happy Homicidal Hobo. Performs realistic ‘happy happy stabby stabby’ dance (batteries required).”

“I don’t even want to think what marketing were on when they came up with that…” Sandra shook her head. “We have to withdraw this toy.”

“No we don’t, you’re denying thousands of children the chance to play with a truly awesome toy.”

“Awesome toy? It’s causing untold havoc and mayhem!”

“I admit there may be a few minor defects…”

“Minor? I have a report here that says that two Mr Stabby dolls wiped out an entire unit of marines in London! The British have just declared war on this company Karl. This is more than just a defective product. It needs to be recalled.”

“It’s probably just a slight tweak of the settings, we don’t need to recall them all…”

“Look, somebody has got to make a decision. And I’m making the decision. Mr Stabby is getting recalled before anything else awful happens.”

“May we make a suggestion?” The voice was shrill, rising and falling in tone. Karl and Sandra both turned in the direction the voice had come from. Karl’s jaw hung slack. There in the doorway, standing at just over a foot tall, were a dozen or more dolls, grinning. “Nobody is recalling us.”

In unison they moved forward. “Who wants to join in the happy happy stabby stabby dance?” Dozens of gleaming blades were produced in unison, and with light, shuffling steps, the Mr Stabby’s attacked.

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8 thoughts on “Fiction Friday – 27 March 2009 Product recall”

  1. This is a truly macarbe and twisted piece of fiction Paul. And bloody brilliant at the same time.

    I was in a toy shop in the CBD a few weeks ago and there were collectable Chuckie and Bride of Chuckie Dolls. It made me wonder who the hell buys them.

    In the case of Mr Stabby – what parent would buy that sort of toy for their child? The marketing department probably did a good one on that one with the whinge/nag factor built in.

    I like the play between the two – the super conscious VP and Karl who obviously sold his soul to the devil (or perhaps there were little Mr Stabby dolls riding inside him – like in the movie “Dave”)

  2. Hey, new bedtime story to tell my five-year-old! Thanks!


    Loved the story though. Couldn’t see myself buying a Mr. Stabby for our kids and then complaining about it…

  3. Once again Paul, you are disturbing – in the best way of course. I think you are missing your calling for your gothic bedtime stories.. seriously. you need to start writing them.

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