Fiction Friday

This Week’s Theme: Dirty Little Secrets.
Pick a famous fictional character and give them a secret vice – at the very least it should be distasteful if not outright illegal. Now give the character’s rationale in their own words. Example: Have Santa explain why he looks through women’s drawers during his rounds.

I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. No, I don’t feel guilty about it at all. Why does he get all the attention anyway? That fat idiot. He gets all the attention, while we’re all relegated to bit players. Well, I’m tired of it. No more meek little Piglet. Mr Milne said that the book was all about me, not that overstuffed, brainless bear.

He was always there, sponging off the rest of us, contributing nothing. “Oh Piglet, I wouldn’t mind a little smackering of something, oh Owl, would you by chance have any honey?” And did he give anything back? Of course not.

It started innocently enough I suppose. It was more an accident than a deliberate plan to do Very Bad Things to him. Kanga gave it to me. I thought it was just the bottle of malt she gives to Roo. But she said it always helped her to calm down, then winked at me. I didn’t think much more of it until I got home and poured it into the honey. I only wanted to knock him out you see. He can be so infuriatingly tiring when he gets going.

Right on clockwork, the Bear of Little Brain arrives at my door, chancing his arm to see if he can get a free meal. “Oh yes Pooh, I have some honey right here” – and he eats it. All of it. The greedy swine. And that’s when I really look at the label on the bottle. It’s not malt. It’s opium…

That whole Heffalump chase incident? Yeah, wandering around a forest in circles chasing imaginary animals in a fugue of opium. The only thing you can do with him then is play along, or he gets spooked. The highs were funny – for a while. But the come downs… let’s just say that his temper is something that Mr Milne never wrote about! And of course, one pot ceased to be enough for him, he demanded more and more, to feed his dual addictions. The waist-expanding honey addiction, and the mind-expanding opium addiction. He ate so much once he got stuck in Rabbit’s doorway, and when we finally got him out he claimed he saw all of Rabbit’s Friends and Relations pulling on him. Honestly, it was just Rabbit and me, he hallucinated the rest.

So now of course we have a quandary. What to do with him? Keep him doped up? He had precious little Brain to begin with, now he just sits and drools. We can’t get him to go cold turkey – the last time he did well… let’s just say we haven’t seen Tigger in a long time. Kanga can’t keep getting hold of the stuff for us. She’s not as young as she used to be, and let’s just say that doesn’t get as much for her company as she used to, if you know what I mean…

I think the best thing we can do is take him to the Enchanted Place and be done with him. Like we did with Eyeore.

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9 thoughts on “Fiction Friday”

  1. This made my morning! It’s my personal favorite so far. I love the dry wit and the dark humor. And what mother doesn’t identify, in one or another, with Kanga and her bottle of malt?

  2. Oh, man, this is terrific. The voice is great, and I love that Piglet calls Pooh a greedy swine. Real life ain’t always what they write about in those books for kids, is it? πŸ™‚

  3. Even not having been exposed much to Winnie the Pooh, I could *so* relate to this take/twist of the tale – I love Piglet’s voice here πŸ™‚

  4. My hubby wants to know (I did have a hard time reading this one to him as I was laughing too hard) — why not resort to Toad Licking if the opium runs low??

  5. Thank you thank you all!

    Sue – the toad licking is a good idea. But knowing me, it would have been Toad from Toad Hall (to keep in with the use of children’s book characters) and I’d already scandalised one set of dearly loved friends from my childhood. I wasn’t ready to do it to another set. Maybe next week though… πŸ˜‰

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