Seven Deadly Sins - Pride
"...so I said 'Your wife? I thought she was a nun!'"
A brief pause as the little group around me laughs at my witty repartee. Their guffawing is as much a lie as my humorous little anecdote, but that's all part of the game isn't it? Me, charming and outgoing, sparring verbally with the other gentleman in the room to be the alpha male at the party, the centre of attention.
The women, all coquettish smiles, fluttering eyelashes and "oh you're so smart/funny/intriguing/whatever flattery it takes to draw you into my trap". All of us liars, players in a game, and it's a game I play exceptionally well.
Handsome? Yes. Witty? But of course. Charming? Certainly. Successful? I ought to be, I'm well-rehearsed, and have played this rogue for so long he is second nature to me.
Tonight is different though. Normally I enjoy the game. It's a thrill, to be a man I'm not; sorry, a man I never used to be. And in these circles that's the kind of man you need to be. Men respect you and women love you for these qualities. For a while anyway. Until the deal is done, be it business or pleasure.
Tonight is mechanical. I'm not into it tonight. I play the part well enough that even on auto-pilot I can get by. But tonight I'm unsettled. Tonight I'm acutely aware of how much I am not really this person. Because tonight she's here, and she knows me better than that.
Ellie. How many years has it been now? How many times have I wanted to call you, see you, show you that you were wrong about me. I was a dreamer you said. No ambition, no drive. Look at me now. Look at what I've achieved. All these people, hanging on my every utterance. And I'm nervous about even saying hello to you. But I want you to see everything that I am now. Because of you. I want you to see, and remember, and regret.
I excuse myself from the group, and head out to the balcony. I need the fresh air, my head is swimming with thoughts. Unresolved feelings, things I want to say, things I don’t want to say. Questions I don’t want to know the answers to.
I knock back the last of the champagne I’m drinking, and my eye is caught by the moon shining high above me. Hello old friend. When did I stop looking up at you? When did things get so complicated…
"Hey you. It’s been a while." A sharp intake of breath, and my hands grip the balcony rail just a little tighter, my shoulders stiffen just a fraction, and I look down towards the ground. Her voice is still so soft and caring… I don’t turn round, and I don’t answer. Stay out of sight Ellie.
"How have you been? You look well." Her heels click across the terracotta tiles as she approaches, drawing up beside me. I turn my head slightly to avoid looking into her eyes. How have I been? I’ve been down in the depths, and clawed my way back. I’ve become everything you thought I never could be. I’ve become the kind of man you wanted me to be. I’m someone now, I’m not a dreamer. And still I hold my tongue as my heart races.
"Jack? Jack, please, talk to me..."
I want to. I want to tell you… I’m still me, deep down, you know. That’s the point, isn’t it? You didn’t need to go, all the things that you wanted, I could do, I’ve done them. But it’s too late now. I want you to look at me and realise… I don’t want you to see that I still…
I screw my eyes up tight to stop the stinging. Set my jaw. Then slowly open my eyes and look straight ahead. Don’t allow your eyes to flicker left even for a second, don’t catch a glimpse of her. Don’t give her that. Be strong.
"Look at me, Jack, please?"
She falls silent, and we let the moment pass, our history, our thoughts speaking for us through the silence. I keep looking ahead.
"So you can’t even talk to me? You can’t even look at me, or say hello?" The reproach in her voice cuts me to the core. I’m not looking at her, but I can tell there are tears in her eyes. I bite my lip to stop it trembling, and keep looking straight ahead. You didn’t want me back then, and here you are talking to me after all this time. I’m no different to how I was, I just… I’ve just achieved more. I’m still me. How does it feel to be pushed away?
"You used to be… do you know how often I wondered…" She leaves the thought hanging in the air. "You’re not the man I used to know. I don’t even know who you are, and I sure as hell don’t want to know."
She turns, as if to go, then rounds back on me. "Look at me for fuck’s sake, are you too much of a big shot now to even acknowledge my presence? I’m not even worth a hello?" The anger and hurt are like a verbal slap, but I resist the natural reaction to turn and look at her. She stays standing beside me for a minute more, trying to stop herself crying, willing me to turn, react, do something that shows I’ve got some kind of feeling. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her shoulders slump, and she turns and walks away. As she does so, she softly whispers “Goodbye Jack.” And then she’s gone.
Well done Jack, you sure showed her. Now that she’s gone, I can give in. The man I am melts away to the man you knew. I let the tears fall freely, tears I refused to let you see. Why couldn’t I tell you? Please, come back and talk to me again, this time I’ll answer, this time I’ll look at you.
This time… will never happen again.
A brief pause as the little group around me laughs at my witty repartee. Their guffawing is as much a lie as my humorous little anecdote, but that's all part of the game isn't it? Me, charming and outgoing, sparring verbally with the other gentleman in the room to be the alpha male at the party, the centre of attention.
The women, all coquettish smiles, fluttering eyelashes and "oh you're so smart/funny/intriguing/whatever flattery it takes to draw you into my trap". All of us liars, players in a game, and it's a game I play exceptionally well.
Handsome? Yes. Witty? But of course. Charming? Certainly. Successful? I ought to be, I'm well-rehearsed, and have played this rogue for so long he is second nature to me.
Tonight is different though. Normally I enjoy the game. It's a thrill, to be a man I'm not; sorry, a man I never used to be. And in these circles that's the kind of man you need to be. Men respect you and women love you for these qualities. For a while anyway. Until the deal is done, be it business or pleasure.
Tonight is mechanical. I'm not into it tonight. I play the part well enough that even on auto-pilot I can get by. But tonight I'm unsettled. Tonight I'm acutely aware of how much I am not really this person. Because tonight she's here, and she knows me better than that.
Ellie. How many years has it been now? How many times have I wanted to call you, see you, show you that you were wrong about me. I was a dreamer you said. No ambition, no drive. Look at me now. Look at what I've achieved. All these people, hanging on my every utterance. And I'm nervous about even saying hello to you. But I want you to see everything that I am now. Because of you. I want you to see, and remember, and regret.
I excuse myself from the group, and head out to the balcony. I need the fresh air, my head is swimming with thoughts. Unresolved feelings, things I want to say, things I don’t want to say. Questions I don’t want to know the answers to.
I knock back the last of the champagne I’m drinking, and my eye is caught by the moon shining high above me. Hello old friend. When did I stop looking up at you? When did things get so complicated…
"Hey you. It’s been a while." A sharp intake of breath, and my hands grip the balcony rail just a little tighter, my shoulders stiffen just a fraction, and I look down towards the ground. Her voice is still so soft and caring… I don’t turn round, and I don’t answer. Stay out of sight Ellie.
"How have you been? You look well." Her heels click across the terracotta tiles as she approaches, drawing up beside me. I turn my head slightly to avoid looking into her eyes. How have I been? I’ve been down in the depths, and clawed my way back. I’ve become everything you thought I never could be. I’ve become the kind of man you wanted me to be. I’m someone now, I’m not a dreamer. And still I hold my tongue as my heart races.
"Jack? Jack, please, talk to me..."
I want to. I want to tell you… I’m still me, deep down, you know. That’s the point, isn’t it? You didn’t need to go, all the things that you wanted, I could do, I’ve done them. But it’s too late now. I want you to look at me and realise… I don’t want you to see that I still…
I screw my eyes up tight to stop the stinging. Set my jaw. Then slowly open my eyes and look straight ahead. Don’t allow your eyes to flicker left even for a second, don’t catch a glimpse of her. Don’t give her that. Be strong.
"Look at me, Jack, please?"
She falls silent, and we let the moment pass, our history, our thoughts speaking for us through the silence. I keep looking ahead.
"So you can’t even talk to me? You can’t even look at me, or say hello?" The reproach in her voice cuts me to the core. I’m not looking at her, but I can tell there are tears in her eyes. I bite my lip to stop it trembling, and keep looking straight ahead. You didn’t want me back then, and here you are talking to me after all this time. I’m no different to how I was, I just… I’ve just achieved more. I’m still me. How does it feel to be pushed away?
"You used to be… do you know how often I wondered…" She leaves the thought hanging in the air. "You’re not the man I used to know. I don’t even know who you are, and I sure as hell don’t want to know."
She turns, as if to go, then rounds back on me. "Look at me for fuck’s sake, are you too much of a big shot now to even acknowledge my presence? I’m not even worth a hello?" The anger and hurt are like a verbal slap, but I resist the natural reaction to turn and look at her. She stays standing beside me for a minute more, trying to stop herself crying, willing me to turn, react, do something that shows I’ve got some kind of feeling. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her shoulders slump, and she turns and walks away. As she does so, she softly whispers “Goodbye Jack.” And then she’s gone.
Well done Jack, you sure showed her. Now that she’s gone, I can give in. The man I am melts away to the man you knew. I let the tears fall freely, tears I refused to let you see. Why couldn’t I tell you? Please, come back and talk to me again, this time I’ll answer, this time I’ll look at you.
This time… will never happen again.
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