Seven Deadly Sins - Envy
Jealousy is a good emotion. Now, you may disagree with me, but just consider it for a moment. "Oh you lucky person, I'm so jealous!" No one ever says that with malice. Jealousy spurs us on. You look at the people you know (or at least know of), you see the things they have achieved, their successes, property, relationships, and you think "me too". That's jealousy. You aspire to the success they have, but you certainly don't begrudge them their achievements. Instead, you seek to emulate them.
There is a darker side to jealousy, however. Envy. Envy is more than simply "me too". Envy is "me instead". You don't just want to be like someone. You want to have what they have, and you begrudge them all they have achieved. Instead of wishing to join in their success, you are compelled to compete with them, to beat them, to surpass what they have and if you can't achieve the same then the next best thing is to see them fail…
And as I sit here tonight, it is to my eternal shame that I realise that I am not simply jealous of Peter (and how ridiculous of me to be even that!) - I hate him, I envy all that he has, all that he has done in his short life.
When I think of Pete, all I can think of is my own shortcomings. It seems as if we had a shared life, one that diverged somewhere along the line, a point I can’t quite place my finger on. We were born at about the same time, we come from the same small town, and we had roughly similar upbringings. We even bear a passing resemblance to each other. And yet…
… and yet he has done so much more than me. It's like his life is charmed. Everything he does always comes out for the better, in the end. Even the adversities he faces turn to his advantage. He could fall into the shit and come out spotless and smelling of roses. At first it was splendid to watch, but now? It just seems so unfair. He's a nice guy, I won't deny it, but everything is just so effortless for him. Whilst I struggle, he just sails through life, as if the world owed him a living, and everything was just planned for his arrival. Almost as if he has this destiny, and his entire world exists solely for his benefit.
Well, no more. Tonight, his charmed existence ends. I really can't stomach it any more. He has to learn. Nobody gets a free ride in this life, and it's time he learnt a lesson. You know, I actually considered killing him. It's crazy, but that's how much I hate him right now. I couldn't just let him continue in his life. I wanted to end it. But then I thought, where's the justice in that? I know how things would turn out - a celebration of a wonderful life, ended tragically and prematurely. He would be gone, but my god, the eulogies and testimonials that would flood in. Can you imagine? Having to put up with all those gushing words of praise from the myriad of people who think him simply wonderful. It turns my stomach to think of that. I'd want to scream "but he doesn't deserve it!" at everyone.
No, I can't kill him. But Pete is going to have to suffer. And I'm going to make damn sure that he does. For the rest of his life, starting from tonight. Everything he has, I shall take away. Everything he loves, I shall turn to dust. His happy marriage? Wait until he finds out that she's been cheating on him with his business partner. The daughter he dotes on? Not his. His home, his car? Yeah, guess who will be hanging on to those when she kicks him out...
And if his business partner is taking his wife, his house, his car, effectively taking his place, well... it doesn't take a genius to predict a boardroom push that would see him out on his ear.
Of course, such a shocking turn of events would drive a lesser man to drink, but not our Pete. No, he's got friends and family who love him. Well, unless there are skeletons in Pete's closet. Skeletons I intend to put on display. Things guaranteed to turn his friends from him, and even give his family second thoughts about associating with him. Wouldn't that just be awful? Golden boy's not looking so golden now, is he? Well, perhaps he shouldn't have been put up on such a high pedestal, should he? Heroes always seem to have feet of clay...
It's amazing that I didn't think of doing this to him earlier. Maybe not ruining him totally, but causing him just enough misery that he wasn't so damn perfect all the time. And it's so easy. Just a couple of taps of the keyboard, the click of a mouse, and you can change someone's entire life. You can raise them up. Or you can dash them down...
Am I proud of what I'm doing? Of course not. As I say, it is to my shame that I'm doing this. But I have to. Pete's perfection is a burden on me, and I can't live my life constantly comparing myself to him, living in his shadow, seething at each accomplishment. I made him the success he is, and it is within my power to put him in his place.
After all, I created him. But how sad, for an author to be jealous of his own character…
There is a darker side to jealousy, however. Envy. Envy is more than simply "me too". Envy is "me instead". You don't just want to be like someone. You want to have what they have, and you begrudge them all they have achieved. Instead of wishing to join in their success, you are compelled to compete with them, to beat them, to surpass what they have and if you can't achieve the same then the next best thing is to see them fail…
And as I sit here tonight, it is to my eternal shame that I realise that I am not simply jealous of Peter (and how ridiculous of me to be even that!) - I hate him, I envy all that he has, all that he has done in his short life.
When I think of Pete, all I can think of is my own shortcomings. It seems as if we had a shared life, one that diverged somewhere along the line, a point I can’t quite place my finger on. We were born at about the same time, we come from the same small town, and we had roughly similar upbringings. We even bear a passing resemblance to each other. And yet…
… and yet he has done so much more than me. It's like his life is charmed. Everything he does always comes out for the better, in the end. Even the adversities he faces turn to his advantage. He could fall into the shit and come out spotless and smelling of roses. At first it was splendid to watch, but now? It just seems so unfair. He's a nice guy, I won't deny it, but everything is just so effortless for him. Whilst I struggle, he just sails through life, as if the world owed him a living, and everything was just planned for his arrival. Almost as if he has this destiny, and his entire world exists solely for his benefit.
Well, no more. Tonight, his charmed existence ends. I really can't stomach it any more. He has to learn. Nobody gets a free ride in this life, and it's time he learnt a lesson. You know, I actually considered killing him. It's crazy, but that's how much I hate him right now. I couldn't just let him continue in his life. I wanted to end it. But then I thought, where's the justice in that? I know how things would turn out - a celebration of a wonderful life, ended tragically and prematurely. He would be gone, but my god, the eulogies and testimonials that would flood in. Can you imagine? Having to put up with all those gushing words of praise from the myriad of people who think him simply wonderful. It turns my stomach to think of that. I'd want to scream "but he doesn't deserve it!" at everyone.
No, I can't kill him. But Pete is going to have to suffer. And I'm going to make damn sure that he does. For the rest of his life, starting from tonight. Everything he has, I shall take away. Everything he loves, I shall turn to dust. His happy marriage? Wait until he finds out that she's been cheating on him with his business partner. The daughter he dotes on? Not his. His home, his car? Yeah, guess who will be hanging on to those when she kicks him out...
And if his business partner is taking his wife, his house, his car, effectively taking his place, well... it doesn't take a genius to predict a boardroom push that would see him out on his ear.
Of course, such a shocking turn of events would drive a lesser man to drink, but not our Pete. No, he's got friends and family who love him. Well, unless there are skeletons in Pete's closet. Skeletons I intend to put on display. Things guaranteed to turn his friends from him, and even give his family second thoughts about associating with him. Wouldn't that just be awful? Golden boy's not looking so golden now, is he? Well, perhaps he shouldn't have been put up on such a high pedestal, should he? Heroes always seem to have feet of clay...
It's amazing that I didn't think of doing this to him earlier. Maybe not ruining him totally, but causing him just enough misery that he wasn't so damn perfect all the time. And it's so easy. Just a couple of taps of the keyboard, the click of a mouse, and you can change someone's entire life. You can raise them up. Or you can dash them down...
Am I proud of what I'm doing? Of course not. As I say, it is to my shame that I'm doing this. But I have to. Pete's perfection is a burden on me, and I can't live my life constantly comparing myself to him, living in his shadow, seething at each accomplishment. I made him the success he is, and it is within my power to put him in his place.
After all, I created him. But how sad, for an author to be jealous of his own character…
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